I survived the eye surgery. I'll just say that up front. But woh, it wasn't what I expected at all. Everyone said it was no big deal. It's nothing. But I disagree. It's wasn't painful, just really disorienting and uncomfortable.

For those of you who have queasy stomachs about all things ocular, I suggest you stop reading now.

For those of you still here, let's continue.

Now I don't know if there's some sort of "don't tell" club conspiracy going on. Or maybe it's one of those things like childbirth...you forget the pain over time to the point where you'll have a second child. (I hear.) But I am choosing not to be a part of either of those parties. I'm going to tell it like it is. So here goes:

First you enter the doctor's building and you realize what you are really paying for. Huge, extravagant, blinding windows (c'mon, people, lasik people are light sensitive after surgery). So yeah, big windows and fancy desks and marble floors. Then you wait around for about 2 hours to go into your final eye exam. That takes two whole minutes and then you wait for two more hours. They finally give you a ridiculous shower cap and paper booties to put on and lead you to the last room where you wait for another decade.

A nice nurse comes in a swabs your eyelids with iodine, (so now you look even sillier) and tells you that you'll be next.

You listen to it happening to the person who went befor you. It's not silent, like I pictured. Instead, there are multiple men in there counting down and the laser makes a dreadful beeping, pulsing noise, and there is some kind of air pump refilling noisily. (Think machine gun.) Then the patient stumbles out looking dazed with eyes like beats. She smiles at me and said it was no big deal. (See? the conspiracy begins.)

Dr: Penelope? (I nod) Dr: You're next. (I frown)

I get up from my chair and walk into the dark room with large equipment in it. I am asked to lay down in a dental-chair- looking-thing. As soon as I lift my feet, someone fills my eyes with numbing drops. I wonder how long it will take for my eyes to not feel anything. And before I finish that thought, another person tapes my left eye shut and holds my head down. Then I'm told to look into the blinky orange light. They tap my eye with a brush. Yep, numb. Next they grabbed what felt like a metal oil filter and told me I'd feel some pressure.

SOME?! It felt like the pushed the thing directing into my skull. (Remember... none of this hurts, it's just uncomfortable.) My eyeball is just hanging out there and I'm staring at the blinky orange light and the men start counting. Chanting. Five, four, three, two, one...

They rip the oil filter out of my eye and tape the lid down before I had a chance to die.

Then onto the left eye, where it all happens again. I think the left eye was worse because I knew what to expect and I actually blacked out.

Anyway. So you're done. I stumbled out with my beat eyes and said to the next person: "You'll do fine." (I swear. It just slipped out.) And the doctor pushed me into the next room where he taped plasic bug eyes to my face and told me I did great and to have a nice day.

I wanted to cry. It all happened so fast. I was so confused.

Then I went home and slept for 12 hours. That was two days ago. Yesterday my eyes felt like they had dirty contacts on them. But I could see perfectly. 20/15 the doctor tells me.

Today I'm feeling better. I've been working like a mad-woman on the book, so my eyes are a little dry. But holy crap. I can see for miles. I can see all the time. There's never a time where things are blurry. It's like seeing the sun for the first time. Just amazing.

So, it all boils down to this: It's bad, but only for a whopping 5 minutes tops. Then you have a lifetime of perfect vision.

Then end.

Oh yeah...remind to me punch the next person I see with natural perfect vision. (Just kidding.)