I've been wondering lately when I will feel like a grownup. I expected to by now I think. I remember my babysitter from when I was little...she was 18 and I thought she was a grown-up. She had a car, played whatever music she liked, watched soap operas and was taking care of us three kids during the day. But I'm much older than 18 and I feel like I'm still 10. Still gawky and lanky. Still tumbling through each day playing and trying to get things right. Today I got a phone call from an art school who wants me to come speak to their illustration class, and after I hung up the phone I thought: Why do they want me to talk to them? I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm a wreck, really...just trying hard to put one foot in front of the other. Then I had this little day dream about myself as a 10 year old going to talk to scary college kids and they all laugh at me... (still shuddering from that). I mean seriously...what am I going to say to these people? Hi. I'm lopie. I draw pictures and try to keep my head on straight...

Who gave me permission to have a mortgage or care for a dog? Who let me have keys to a car? I'm married for gods sake. Married. Only grownups are married. I drink wine and try to schmooze (I'm real bad at it...if anyone comes to my show on Friday and I am an idiot...I apologize in advance). I pay bills and clean the house. I cook meals for my family. I mediate in situations and play leader for group projects.

I guess there are good sides to feeling like this. Most days I view my life as a game. Pretend. I feel like I play "bank" and "telephone" and "dress up". I cook mudpies for dinner (throw in a little of this...a touch of that...tastes bad? Don't eat it!) Putting together proposals is fun (playing career). So I guess that's good...not taking things so seriously (as I always pictured adults doing).

But I guess I thought I'd have more figured out by now. That'd I'd be further along. I have so much to learn and know. More to figure out....

I'm just wondering if anyone else feels like this. Maybe I'm a big lanky, gawky 10-in-my-head weirdo. Probably. Don't answer that.

check yes or no. or maybe.