I always let it go too far. Do too much. Think that if I stop even for a second I'll fall behind. The world will collapse and I won't be me anymore. If I slow down and breathe. If I don't do something right now. If I don't prove myself at every second. Everything I know and worked for will be gone. I think to myself "Being this way has gotten me this far...I'm afraid that if I change, I'll stop moving forward."
So. Not. True. Quite the opposite. Next time I start thinking that I give you all permission to slap me straight in the forhead and yell obscenities at me. Okay?
Because oh-my-god I am feeling so much better after last week. A whole week of not doing. That's better than a banana milk shake with chocolate on top. It's... experiencing the freedom that is around me most of the time but I choose to ignore. Why choose that blindness?
It was chilly last week. And it rained for a few days, but it was okay. We are not so pansy that we are swayed by a few drops. We battled (or accepted, as it be) by getting colorful ponchos and umbrellas and going out anyway. The wet sand was packed and you could walk without sinking in.
And the shelling was amazing. The best I'd ever seen. We ran to pick up all the conchs that had washed up, unscathed. Turning them over to see if they had orange inside (like hidden shiny orange peels).
To tell you the truth: I didn't think about work or paint or pencils or anything even once. (I know... I am surprised by that too.) It was like my brain had totally shut off that floor for renovation and the elevator was skipping it. Instead I read books and was just soaking in a different world. I talked with my mom about what is important (will I, mysellf ever be a wise mom?) and my siblings about their lives. I missed Colin. I walked by myself and just breathed for a long time. I needed that.
I am thinking about how to get that freedom, that refilling into normal life. Not losing sight of taking care of yourself when there is so much going on... How does one do that? I think it's saying no a little more often and saying yes to what you need. Rearranging priorities so you can still do your work/busy thing, but know that it is not as important as your life/self thing. I think so. I already knew that though. Why ignore what you know will help? Maybe that's the real question. The real battle.
I'll start my battle now. By going for a walk before I start the next painting.