I'd kind of lost my way with journaling for myself. It'd turned into a book of to-do lists and client notes. Little messy scratches from conversations and things I needed to remember. It was not me anymore. It was my work.
I don't know how it occurred to me to pick it up again for myself. But I'm really glad it did.
There had been a ton of stress in my life for a few months and I think my journal is what saved me. Well, I supposed "saved" is an inaccurate term, as I was in no danger of dying. But it definitely was the key that lifted me out of the funk. It let me unload and leave it there. No longer only on my shoulders.
One morning after Colin left for work and I'd finished the last sip of my coffee, I sat down in a heap with tears streaming down my face. The heaviness of the last few months had left me feeling scared and alone and worthless. Unable. There was no one there to lean on, so I grabbed a crappy notebook and just started writing. All the fears and negativity and sadness just anchored there on the paper. And I scribbled away with my chicken scratch hand writing.
As the pages filled up, I felt lighter. Almost held. And I heard a small voice inside me saying "It's ok. Now you don't have to carry this." And I felt better. (And very surprised by this calmness).
I suppose it was an Eat, Pray, Love moment, if that resonates with you. Where I was in the middle of the dark moment... all laid out messy and blah... and then a small voice of clarity and calm surfaced. A comforting, knowing voice.
After writing and listening (essentially writing back to myself), I shut the notebook and sat there with a new sense of peace. Totally emptied and calm. I went upstairs to work and practically floated through the day, anxiously awaiting the next morning when I had time to journal again.
And the next morning it happened again. I started writing and my Centered Self showed up and said hello. (Centered Self? I dunno. That feels like a good description. Or maybe Wiser Me or The Truth.) It was like a big mama bear who was taking my problems from me and just letting me move through the day without them. (I'm guessing this sounds a little hocus pocus, huh. I am a little hesitant to post this, but maybe you will understand, or have had a similar experience?...)
This kind of journaling was just really powerful for me. So I decided to make it part of my morning routine. And I swear to you, it has changed my life. Now, before I start on the day's to-do list, I read a little to relax and then I write in my journal. As much or as little as I want. Some days I hear the guidance loud and clear. And some days I am just happy to write and reflect. Either way, I feel grounded and centered afterwards. "Held" is the best description I can think of... And I try to keep that feeling in mind as I move through the day.