I read something the other day that said "act as if you know what's going on. as if you are divinely guided. believe that you are always at the right place at the right time and everything you do and everything that happens is orchestrated for your higher growth."
And I tossed it over my shoulder into my backpack just like every other thing that I read that day.
But it resurfaced this morning as I woke up before dawn and couldn't fall back to sleep. I thought about all my desires, needs, pushing for something specific to take place. About everything that's taken place in the last couple of months. And about how upset I can get about something happening or not happening.
This is attachment. And my attachment currently is this house we are supposed to close on next week. There is a problem with finding a mortgage because the house is so unique. And it's out of my hands, yet it keeps me up and I feel panic about it.
Why? Because I feel I need it. But what would happen if I didn't get it? If we can't find a mortgage and the house just slipped away? Nothing. We'd look for something else and move on with our lives. (That was hard to write.)
And here's where that quote comes in: what if this situation were divinely guided? If I were to just trust that whatever happens with the house is what was supposed to happen? That it's all orchestrated for my higher growth? (Even something as trivial as a house.)
I guess the opposite train of thought would be total anarchy... no reason for anything... all random acts that don't ever add up. And I think even that leads me back to the same place: Either way, I don't have control over it. And I never did. So why not just let it happen without grasping?
I talked to a friend yesterday who was very upset that her daughter didn't get into an art class because she is a bit too young. But, I thought, what if that was meant to be too, according to a divine plan? Maybe this little girl would have been intimidated by the older kids and decided that her art stunk in comparison and it squelched her artistic spirit before it even had a chance to flourish? Maybe when she does start, in another year or so, she'll be inspired and nurtured and all will be perfect?
Another friend of mine has a specific timeline in her head about when she is supposed to get married, have kids, etc. But none of it is happening according to her plan. And it's hard for her. But that might be divinely guided too... maybe the universe is whipping up some awesome scenario that delivers more than she could have imagined? Or maybe she is growing into herself as a way to be whole and solid for when the time is right. Who knows?
Even Tom losing Alison. It seems to make no sense whatsoever. Why someone so young and beautiful died so early because of a stupid disease that couldn't be controlled. Maybe even that was part of the divine plan too. (I don't have any potential good reasons to throw out there... it's beyond me. But that's where faith comes in. Faith that this plan is so big it even includes death.)
I think everything could fit under this umbrella. From the tiniest upsets to the hugest losses. And all the good stuff too -- an unwarranted stroke of good fortune. Things working out in a way you'd hoped, or would have hoped, if only you'd known. It's all part of it.
So where am I going with all this? I guess I'm just trying to act as if I know what's going on. To do what I reasonably can and let the rest go and detach. To have faith. And to step back and realize that I don't have control. Never did. Never will. And be ok with that. Trust that we are all in the right place at the right time.