These last few months have felt like I've been standing at the window of my life, looking in. Not totally involved, but just an observer. Watching the characters inside pass by the window, catching little bits of conversation, a few light scents as they reach my post, the muted music from a few rooms away.
I've been going through the motions. I play illustrator when called to. Care-taker when needed. Sister, wife, mama, counselor, friend. And I'm gearing up to play teacher, lecturer, mentor. But it hasn't felt real. This standing outside, peering in is almost like a dream. It leaves me feeling helpless.
I don't know if this has been because so much has shifted in the last few months... selling a house and moving, becoming pregnant and dealing with first trimester woes, moving into my brother's basement and being suddenly surrounded by people, house hunting, buying, waiting, Alison's sudden downturn and passing, grieving. It's been a lot. And I think maybe my window perch has been my reprieve, even if I feel disengaged at times. My window has protected me.
Tonight felt just a little different. Driving through the cornfields on the way home, I noticed the sun sitting at the top of the stalks, making them glow yellow. I saw how green the gaps between the leaves were. How the clouds started to form pictures again. I felt a tiny letting go. Happy in the moment. Filled with wonder at just how precious and tiny and humongous life is -- even during the completely heartbreaking times. And my window opened just a tiny crack.
* * * Thank you all for your kind excitement about the pregnancy -- it is a spot of sunshine right now. And many many thank yous for all your well wishes and condolences on Alison's passing. If you'd like to do something for Alison, please donate to the American Cancer Society here. It would mean so much to her. Or if you'd rather, you can give blood which could go to another cancer patient that needs it. It's not painful and it is really necessary for lots of people. If we all give a little, it can all add up big.
many blessings to you, penny