I have been railing against winter since we moved back up north. I guess in my short two years in the south, I'd forgotten how much I dislike being cold. I have a really hard time with it... I feel it to my bones... and I've been letting thoughts of "why did we move back to a place with dreadful winters" just run me over. Yesterday morning I woke up at 4am and just laid in bed with my eyes closed feeling sad, wishing that I was still back in my old southern house... picturing the layout of the rooms, hearing the birds sing outside the window, and imagining that we'd never moved. And I realized that this was probably not really healthy for me to pining in this way and allowing myself to be totally consumed by what was. So I sent up a little prayer to be able to let it go and enjoy what I have now instead. And then I actively forced myself to be in the moment.
And in the moment I actually felt nice and warm. My fingers were warm. My toes. I was lying in a comfortable bed. The space heater humming. My sleeping husband next to me... I could hear his calm, steady breath. And I started to feel gratefulness lapping over the coarse longings. Like waves coming in and washing away a drawing in the sand.
I felt grateful that I have a house to live in, even if it always feels a bit too cold. That in a few months we'll be able to open all the windows and sit outside on the porches. That winter will indeed pass and we'll be able to walk down to the beach and sit by the lake or walk around the park comfortably. I felt grateful that I am so loved and well taken care of by my husband. That soon the baby will be in my arms and my body will feel like my own again. That I can join my mom at the Y any night of the week to go swimming or walk around the indoor track. That I can take my sister out for her birthday instead of just calling.
And a little sun rose in my chest.