I've been feeling like a gangly awkward teenager lately. Unsure of myself and my direction. Still growing into oversized features...(I've been hesitant to write it here for fear of sounding ungrateful. But then I realized that maybe I should anyway...knowing in my heart that I am grateful for what I have/am even in patchy times. And maybe someone can relate...who knows.) I find myself shying away from things lately. I don't feel like doing much besides reading and napping. I'm not sure why. I took a break. I should be well rested and rejuvenated right? But I don't feel that way much. My art has been confusing me lately. I'm not sure if I'm doing it right...and what is right anyway? There's no such thing in art, right? The line between fine art and illustration is smudged in my eyes right now. So where am I standing?
I think too much. I know I do. I've always been told this. I wish I could just shut it off and just be. Quiet and meditative and serene...knowing where my next footstep will be. Where my path is leading. What the hell I am doing. But I feel confused.
This is a time when a nice steady job would be really great. To be able to go to work and have someone put a task in front of you and all you have to do is complete it before the day is up. Then you know that you can go home and leave it all behind, go watch the latest sitcom craze and forget all about it...and hey, bonus! A nice big fat paycheck waiting for you at the end of next week.
This is hard. Money is tight. Creativity seems forced. My instincts have fled for the moment. And I'm left here in a quiet studio wondering what to do to move beyond this.
Objectively speaking I realize I have a lot of positive things going on right now. Gallery shows. Getting better at the business part of running my own business. A handful of illustration assignments. A husband who loves me even in when I'm not joyful. My health. Sunshine. But even though I see all those things, why do I not feel them? That's the worst part...knowing there's no reason for it and not being able to change the way you feel.
Re-reading, I feel guilty in a way for putting this up here. I know that most of you come here for a happy retreat or a burst of inspiration. So my apologies. We'll get back to the usual soon...