authenticity. missed opportunity. and a happy 4th.

Happy 4th of July all. I'm happy it's here because it's a small break and I've been working my ass off lately. And Colin is home and I like the company. This morning was all about waking up slow, waiting for the sunshine to do it instead of the alarm clock. And then a simple breakfast and my morning routine of watering and weeding. My brain is swirling around thoughts as I go about my business today. I don't feel like I've let you all in on much lately, so I thought I'd record just a little...

Remember the book deal that I was asked to propose a while back? I did propose it. Pushed it all out into a black and white document proclaiming what my book would be about. And I sent it off to the publisher. And waited for about two days.

Those two days were agonizing because every time I thought about this book, I felt sick to my stomach. I went to the bookstore and became overwhelmed by how many books were already out there on the subject of creativity. What could mine add? How could mine be different? And I just didn't feel okay with it. Felt like it would be coming from an inauthentic place and from a time where I just couldn't squeeze one more thing into my life (and a book is a big thing to try to squeeze in!) And I wasn't excited about it like I think someone should be if they are going to take on a book...

So after two days of horrible thoughts, I emailed the publisher back and just spilled my guts. Saying everything I just told you: Feeling inauthentic. Bad timing. I'm so sorry... And I asked for more time to think about what a book from me that felt authentic would be about. More time...

That was scary. I felt like I was passing up a big opportunity. My boat was sailing away without me in it. But I just couldn't think of what else to do. But it felt really wrong to push a book out instead of letting it happen naturally.

And to my surprise, the publisher said they would wait and appreciated that I spoke up. (And then added that they hoped it wouldn't take too long...)

So now I've let it go. And I'm not really thinking about it (until this morning when I was watering my plants). And I am really hoping that one of these days something will smack me upside the head and just feel RIGHT, like any really juicy inspiration does.

(and also, I'm open to thought about this... any ideas for a book. Who said that inspiration had to just come from me? hee)

And you know... maybe I *did* miss this opportunity. Maybe I let it slip by... That is a real possibility. And if so, I guess it just wasn't meant to be right now. The world is still spinning.

* * * * * Way off subject: I wanted to let you know that I'm leaving for Alaska on Sunday and I'm way stoked about that... just a few days there with my friend Maria. Can't wait!